In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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