Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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