Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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