Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
only you would photoshop your dick
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize