there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
So much rum. So many feels.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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