i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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