His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
