Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
