Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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