last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
