My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
