I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
