i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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