Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
