When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
