I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
