so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
