apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
