I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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