I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
