oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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