Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
