anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
