is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
