it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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