Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Randomize
