What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
