she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
