Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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