so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
