I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
