I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
