I think my vagina is haunted
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
My liver just had a heart attack.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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