I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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