why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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