Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
