Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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