he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
