Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
