Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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