i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
If I die, sorry about rent.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Success! We fucked roommates!
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
