It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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