im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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