I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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