The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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