i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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