I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
