Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
