You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
