I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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