I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I looked at my own cervix.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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