drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
