"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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