Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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