I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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