I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize