Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
