I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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