Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
