walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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