I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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