Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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